from pacific coast to no coast

Note: I kind of promised myself that I would no longer post negative things. However, I felt it necessary and, who knows, maybe I am a born Negative Nancy.

I am the death knell of travel. If I am on your plane, I would change your reservation. I used to think I had relatively good travel drama. The occasional flight would get delayed or there would be a long security check line… small potatoes. Ever since 2008 started, my travel experiences have been nothing short of disastrous (and thus the title of this post).

Chicago

I had 7:30 am flight from LAX to ORD on January 6^th to get back to campus for class the following day. I showed up at the airport at 6:30. The place was packed. I have never see the United terminal so crowed and it was the crack of dawn for Christ sakes. I had my e-ticket printed out and I show the lady at the baggage-check line in hopes of expediting my check-in process, since the line was clearly at least an hour long. She tells me that I have missed the 40-minute prior to boarding cut off. I would have to wait in line to get on standby for the next flight.

So I waited in line. When I finally got to the front of the line to told the man that the lady had told me that I missed my flight and needed to get on standby for the next one.

Man: Why?

Me: Because I missed the cut off time?

Man: No you didn’t. She lied to you. You can still get on your flight. It appears to be delayed.

Me: Are you sure? Even if I have to wait in the security check line?

Man: Yes. Besides we don’t have any other flights to Chicago.

Me: Okay?

United has a flight EVERY HOUR to Chicago. I know this for a fact, but I didn’t push it because I just wanted to get on a flight.

I trekked up the stairs and waited in a line that stretched out of the terminal, across the air bridge, and into the parking structure. Then I sat in front of my gate for 3 hours and on my plane for another hour and an half. My plane took off four and half hours late. I landed in ORD at 7:30 rather than 1 pm. I waited another hour for my bag and then around hour for my cab. When I finally made it back to the dorm, everyone had heard about the fiasco and told me so.

Los Angeles

On January 26^th my parents threw a huge party for all their friends to celebrate their 55^th birthdays and 25^th anniversary. My father (or Pops as I like to call him much to his dislike) thought it would be nice if all four of us siblings came home and surprise my mother at the party. So, I booked a 3:10 pm flight out of O’Hare on the 26^th to arrive in LA at 5:30 pm and a 6:30 am flight out of LAX the following morning. In and out, twelve hours at home. I scheduled an 11:00 am Northshore Taxi in hopes of potentially making it on an earlier flight.

I am not even sure if my taxi driver had a license. He was on the phone the whole time, sans Bluetooth. When he was on the phone he went 20 mph. When he was not on the phone he went 50 mph. He insisted on tailgating. He was more interested at yelling at his wife in some mixed English-French-Other language that he didn’t see the break lights in front of us. We rear ended the car in front of us. And what did my cabbie do? He honked and DROVE AWAY. He then spent the rest of the ride screaming to me, a girl, about how women can’t drive. What could I do, but nod my head and agree?

It was noon when we finally made it to the airport. It took us an hour. I checked-in on the automated machines, but somehow missed how to get on stand by. I went up to the check-in desk (where no one was) and asked the lady if she could do it for me.

Me: Um, so I checked in on the computer screen, but I couldn’t figure out how to get on standby. Can you do that for me?

Airline Representative: There is an option on the screen.

Me: Well, I must have missed it. Can you do it for me here?

Airline Representative: Did you check any baggage?

Me: No, I just have this carry on.

Airline Representative: Well, you can just do it at the gate then.

Then she glared at me and continued to talk about her nails to her girlfriend.

I set off the metal detector at security check, per usual. I waiting to the usual chorus of “female pat down” to be sent down the line of TSA officers until Linda shows up with her large smile and wand to scream “sensitive area back of my hand” as she pats down my breasts and butt. But no, instead Rick screamed at me: “Wallet, belt, watch, earnings, wallet, belt, watch, earnings, wallet, belt, watch…”

Me: It’s my insulin pump. It always sets it off.

Rick: Wallet, belt, watch. Put in the bin and sent it through the x-ray machine.

Me: My insulin pump can’t go through that machine.

Rick: Ma’m, I am not asking you to do that.

I walked through the metal detector and magically it didn’t go off. Rick took my boarding pass and studied it. “Hannah, Hannah Dean. Can I get a smile, Hannah?” he said with a sleezy smile and a hand brush. No, you certainly may not. It took only the thought of getting home for me not the spin around and smack him across the face. I am pretty sure you can go to jail for assaulting a TSA officer.

The 12:15 flight was boarding, but I decided that I could wait until the 2:10 flight. Hot chocolate and bagel. I got to the gate and wait an hour and an half for someone to show up at the gate. Meanwhile, eleven people got in front of me on the standby list. Needless to say, I did not get on that flight.

I called my brother, Kyle. He said it was fine and that he would still pick me up from LAX at 5:30. Starbucks and muffin. Flight Announcement: Um. We don’t have a pilot yet, so we don’t know how long the delay will be, but we will keep you posted as soon as we know. I called Kyle.

Kyle: Well, just let me know when you get on a flight.

Me: I could just take a cab from LAX. It’s not a big deal.

Kyle: Don’t be ridiculous. Just let me know.

Flight Announcement: Okay, folks. We have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have a pilot. The bad news it that he can’t get here right away, so as of now we are scheduled for a 6 o’clock departure time. There is a 4:40 flight over at K10…

I spirited across the terminal and paid the $25 to guarantee a seat on the 4:40 flight.

Me: Okay, I will changed here and you drive me directly to the party.

Kyle: Are you sure? It seems like this had been really bad.

Me: Yes, I am sure. I will see you at 7:00.

I changed in the bathroom. I put on make-up and jewelry. So now everyone was staring at me, girl in four-inch heels and short black cocktail dress. My mother calls.

Mother: Honey, I know you are coming.

Me: How?

Mother: Well, the boys are here. It sounds like it had been really stressful. Maybe you should just call it quits.

Me: No, I just paid $25 to get on this flight. I will see you tonight.

Flight Announcement: Um, ladies and gentlemen, we don’t have plane. It will most likely be an hour before we can get plane for this flight. Sorry for any inconvenience. I called my mother, but the line was busy. I called Kyle.

Me: I am not coming.

Kyle: Yeah, I figured as much. You went above and beyond. Don’t feel bad. There is nothing you could have done. I’m sorry. Did you call mom?

Me: The line was busy.

Kyle: I’ll tell her. I am sorry. This really sucks.

Me: Thanks.

I started to cry as I walked to the rebooking center and pick up one of those read phone. This just earned me more stares from other travelers.

American Airlines Representative: American Airlines, how may I assist you?

Me: I would like to cancel my flight to LAX because it was delayed three hours ad I have no missed the reason I was to fly there.

American Airlines Representative: Okay. Can I get you conformation number?

I gave it to her. Me: How will I be refunded?

American Airlines Representative: You will be refunded through the original form of payment.

Me: Full of partial?

American Airlines Representative: Um, we are going to give you a full refund.

Me: I would also like to cancel my return flight since I am no longer going to go to Los Angeles.

American Airlines Representative: Okay. The 6:30 am flight from LAX to ORD?

Me: Correct.

American Airlines Representative: Okay, you will be refunded for that flight through the original form of payment.

I walked in my four-inch heels to the baggage claim and called Northshore to get a cab back to campus. I cried in the back of the cab the whole way. The only thing the cabbie said to me was that I should wear more clothing. $85 to absolutely nowhere.

New York

I was scheduled a flight to New York LaGuardia on Thursday afternoon after my classes. Then I had to change my flight to Friday evening because I had a microeconomics midterm that morning. So I called Expedia and the lady waved my fees, expect the $100 flight change fee. I ordered a Northshore Taxi for a 12:30 pick up on Friday.

12:40 pm on Friday: there is not a taxi in sight. I called Northshore.

Northshore: Oh, your taxi is not there because we are running 20 to 30 minutes late.

Me: I have to get to airport. I ordered this taxi over 48 hours ago. You think you could have called me.

I had a 2:20 flight. I needed to get to the airport. I then called 303 Taxi, American Taxi, Best Taxi, and other taxi service number I could get. All said 20 minutes and then 10 to 15 minutes when I said Northshore had screwed me.

303 Taxi won out. I then fervently called every taxi company back canceling the cabs I had just ordered. My cabbied asked me when my flight was. I said 2:20. It was now 12:50. He told me I would never make it. I called Northshore last.

Me: I would like to cancel the cab I ordered.

Northshore: Okay, may I ask why?

Me: Because I really need to get to airport and you failed to tell me that you were running late.

Northshore: Well, you know that we would have pick you up.

Me: That doesn’t help me.

Northshore: Well, we value your patronage.

Me: Yeah, well, fuck you.

My cabbie thought that was hilarious and immediately started to speed. He got me to O’Hare in 30 minutes. I tipped him $10.

I get on my flight, which has been, surprise, surprise, delayed until 3:50. We get on the plane and sit on the tarmac for an hour. We take off, thank god. The English guy next to me orders a $5 Heineken so my row smells like a frat party for the rest of the flight. The creeper on the other side used his ipod to look at boobalicious photos of Mariah Carey and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Then when we get to New York we are put in a holding pattern. We get friendly updates from the captain: Well, folks, as you may have noticed we are in a holding pattern. They are slowing things down here in New York because of gusty winds and rain. You may not feel it up here, but when we get down farther you will. The wind is affecting all of the airports around New York, JFK, Newark, it’s not just LaGuardia. We have about a half an hour of gas left, so if we don’t get the go ahead in soon we will have to go to Pittsburg to refuel. We didn’t go to Pittsburg, thank god, but we did land at 8:00 pm rather than 5:30. So much for dinner plans.

On the way back, I showed up to the airport two hours early. As I checked in, I discovered that every flight to Chicago had been delayed two hours. I got on a 7:20 flight that had been delayed to 9:00 pm rather than my originally ticketed flight of 9:35 pm landing in O’Hare at 11:00pm. The Superbowl was playing on every TV screen. I was confident in my Patriots, so I bought an Economist and read about the world. The Superbowl was so loud that it was difficult to hear the flight announcements. It was delayed another half an hour. We got on the plane. We sat on the tarmac. The giants won. The plane cheered. I fell asleep. It was midnight when we finally landed in the snow. It was as if they hadn’t gotten around to plowing the runway.

I called every single cab company I had a number for. 303 did answer their phone. American Taxi I had to call five times before I finally figured out their automated system. When I finally did this was all I got: Your cab number is (silence). Your confirmation number is 00000. Great. I caved and called Northshore. And just when I finally had an operator on the line, my cell phone died.

I wait for an hour in a cab line that could make it to the moon and back. The first cabbie kicked me out because I only had a credit card. The second refused to drive to Evanston. I guess third time is the charm.

When I finally stumbled into my dorm at 1:30 am Monday morning, the security guard asked me if I was ok. Oh, if only.